My New Boss

This guy is calling the shots:

When my boyfriend (who is a total DreamPrince) gave me this creature, I had no idea that he would be running the show from here on out.  I christened him Nebuchadnezzar: Land Eagle (I assume he psychically suggested it as it’s the perfect name for a tyrant. He knew what he was, I did not) Check out this blistering care regimen:

6:30-OH MY GOD! TURN ON THE OTHER SUN!

The immortal infant clambers out of his bed at dawn and looks to the sky for artificial sunlight. The regular sun isn’t enough! Nebuchadnezzar needs TWO!

6:45-IF YOU DON’T FEED ME RIGHT NOW, I WILL KILL MYSELF!

Nebuchadnezzar freaks out if food isn’t there when he’s finished basking in Sun #2. He will casually walk up the side of his cage and flip over on his back. If he’s upside down long enough, he’ll die. Does he struggle to right himself? NO! I must keep him alive and he will not make it easy for me!

7:00-TAKE ME FOR A WALKIE, HUMAN FILTH!

Once Nebuchadnezzar finishes his meal, he paces around his cage until I take him out for a walk outside. If I don’t get there fast enough, he will tump over on his back and eventually die

7:30-? I WILL GRAZE AND WANDER FOREVER IF YOU LET ME

He surveys his kingdom and nibbles on the grass. He is so tiny that he can't graze without my help. 
I have to tear off bits of leaves and offer them to him by hand. 

LATE FOR WORK:30 BATHTIME IS NOW!!

Land Eagle will some day grow large enough to overpower me. To hasten his embiggenment and make sure his shell grows smoothly I have to bathe him in a tiny tub. P. S. HE ALWAYS SHITS IN THE BATH💗

VERY LATE:00 GATHER FOOD FOR ME OR I WILL DIE WHILE YOU'RE AT WORK!!

Now I have to gather and shred bites of grass and weeds from my lawn to place on his little plate. If he finds it empty during the day, he will flip over and rage-die.

10:56 NAPTIME!!

I think he sleeps for most of the day. I'm not sure because I have to go to work most days. At the end of the day I find that he has pooped all over the cage and scattered his meal around.

ALL DAY-WORRY THAT HE HAS TUMPED OVER AND DIED

At work, I fret that he has flipped himself over. Should I go home on my lunch break to check? Should I text my roommates all day and have them monitor Nebuchadnezzar once an hour?

I am obsessed with this little tyrant! I hope he's safe and happy all the time and all he really does is pee on me and eat grass. Still, isn't he magical?! Maybe one day I can convince the little tyrant to rage-live instead:)