I dunno about you, but I worry about all the things. My mind is always plagued with unanswerable questions and fears: What if robots became sentient!? Will the world be torn apart by war and famine? Global warming is a thing! What if the Jehovah’s Witnesses are right?! Two-headed cows?!
There is a lot to be anxious about!
Luckily for you, I know how to make it fun! Whenever panic gets the better of you, consider the kindly L.A.B.R.A.D.O.O.D.L.E!
-Anger-Transform your uncertainty into a towering rage! It is healthy for the mind and body to experience intense, unexplainable emotional shifts. So go ahead. kick through a window! Yell at your brother! Shout swear words into the toilet!
-Beer-This is a tried and true method for extinguishing anxiety. I'm embarrassed that I had to say it. But here it is. Don't make me bring it up again.
-Run-Until you fall over.
-Alphabetize-Go to your library and yank all the books off the shelves (this can be rolled into the "anger" step) The BookWitch will drown out the ambient anxiety with the sound of her screeching while you focus your mind by clearing up the unholy disorder.
-Dogs-Start a dog-walking service then let the dogs go. It's uplifting.
-Offerings-Sacrifices to The Great Old Ones can't hurt your chances in the apocalypse that you keep thinking about. What's Cthulhu up to these days?
-Oils-Anoint yourself with vegetable oil and writhe around in the tub! It's a lot more exercise than a bubble bath. Wriggle away from those DoubtDemons with your slippery dolphin skin!
-Desiccate-Buy some plants but don't water them. Watching their wilted leaves makes you feel like a lucky bastard. At least you can go to the sink for yourself. Dumb plants.
-Legalize-Make various controlled substances legal in your own home! The government can't say a damn thing about it.
-Endorphins-Those make you feel good. Find a place where you can buy them.
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