Book vs. Movie: Shades of Grey

I know that converting a novel into a movie is a huge task to undertake. Condensing four hundred pages into a two hour time period makes it nearly impossible to capture the magic of the written word. I try to be forgiving because I know you can't make everyone happy. Still, I found the film adaptation of Jasper Fford's Shades of Grey hard to stomach.

Here are some of my biggest gripes about this cinematic trainwreck.
1. Where are we? The meticulously realized world of Chromatacia has been abandoned for....America? LAME!

Look at these losers! The man is about to make a purchase at a hardware store. Where is the dystopian society with a social hierarchy that's regulated by people's range of color perception?! I guess they didn't have a big budget for effects. 

2. The narrator-Eddie Russet has been replaced by a shy, mumbling lady named Anna or something. 

In the book, twenty year old Eddie is starting the question the rules of his society when he becomes smitten with an outlandish misfit named Jane Grey. This lady is not Eddie and she is boring and almost never wears red. 

3. Christian Grey.....? Is this some sort of gender swap? I mean, Eddie does fall for a person who can only see grey. And this guy is named Grey and he wears that color a lot. Still, I think the gender swap was distracting and unnecessary. 

4. Panties and Whips. Typical Hollywood! Trying to make everything violent or sexy. They really outdid themselves this time. The adaption took a story that was rife with absurdity and subtle digs at modern society and turned it into a tepid, fleshy slapfest.  

5. Spoons aplenty- In the book, the manufacture of spoons was strictly prohibited. Not so in the film. Watch as Ana stuffs her gob with soup. 

6. No one gets devoured by a carnivorous tree-I didn't want it to happen in the book, but I was dying for one person to get eaten by a yateveo tree in the movie. These idiots sucked face around the park for a good long time and nothing happened. Worst. 

This is the most dismal adaptation that I have ever seen! It makes me worry about the literacy of our entire culture. If a wealthy movie director can't be bothered to stay true to a challenging storyline, then I guess we really do deserve the ham and sausage party that fails to arouse anything aside from disappointment. I'm so sorry, Mr. Fforde. I hope the sequel turns out better!