Sleep, or death-practice, is the most important thing that you can do. The human body needs to practice lying motionless for hours on end in order to successfully do death. You don't want to be a restless corpse when you die! You don't want ghosts and zombies to happen, do you?! I didn't think so. You need to get eight hours of sleep every day in order to prepare for your eternal slumber. I am an avid sleeper and I will share my champion tips with all of you restless idiots:
1. Soothing Sights-Before you turn out the light, you ought to prepare your eyes for sleep. Find a set of peaceful images to calm and focus your mind. I search for memento mori online. Nothing helps me get ready for death-practice better than pictures of skulls and bones and dusty objects:)
2. Bribe the Sandman-You know how you leave out milk and cookies to make sure Santa gives you good stuff for Christmas? It's a little-known fact that the Sandman works the same way. Before you change into your jammies, set out a platter of mashed potatoes and mop water. The Lord of Grainy Residue will reward your attentions.
3. Chainsaws-Set up an array of defense mechanisms. The sad truth of modern life is that burglars could break into your home and do anything with your possessions or body. I choose to keep my home safe with the the McCulloch AngryFang 3000. I just turn this bad-boy on and set it on my bedside table. The purr of the engine reminds me of the beach. Protip: Don't let it lop off your hand as you turn out the light! Invest in a pair of night vision goggles.
4. Set a Sporadic Sleep Schedule-You need to be prepared to sleep anytime and anyplace. The pros are able to sleep in public spaces, even on trains! Wouldn't it be cool if you could be that good? I recommend letting your body binge and purge on rest. Spend some nights jogging in place and then take the winter off of work to hibernate!
5. Liquids!-Alcohol makes you relax and caffeine makes you awesome! How to you use this to your advantage when getting ready for bed? You're going to have to learn to walk a fine line. I recommend brewing a pot of coffee substituting chardonnay for water. This hot cup of fumes is going to send you face first into your pillows!
Excellent, I can finally justify my needs for night vision goggles. I keep them next to my red-bull stack.
ReplyDeleteI always advocate night vision goggle purchases! Those are great to have around and very practical.
DeleteBrenda, your posts always have me laughing! Don't ever change your writing voice. :)
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