Party Tips for Killing Time

Another year is almost here. Lots of folks are getting ready to stand close together and shout numbers at the sky. Sounds like fun, no? I've hosted and attended my fair share of Old Year Death-Days and I humbly offer these tips for enjoying the Yuletide's backside.

1. Number Glasses- Choose your favorite numerals and hide your eyes behind them. Wearing number glasses disguises your face so the zombie corpse of 2016 can't recognize you or follow you home.

2. Suds-Fizzy drinks are very stylish during Old Year Death-Day parties. It's crucial that you have THE FIZZIEST drink. My cocktail of choice is called Suudsu. Simply drop an Alka-Seltzer tab into a glass of skim milk then add rum and gummy bears. Dribble it on friends and enemies for good luck! 

3. Explosives-it goes without saying that a good party needs things that go BOOM. As soon as Christmas is over, locate a Party-Uncle to obtain fire-boomers. 

Common Party-Uncle Names include: Uncle Toby! Crazy Cliff! Mad Cat?! Alexander Shunnarah! 

When celebrations are near, the uncles spring up from the earth in their festive portable bungalows. (Party-Uncle Gene pictured below) 

4. Calendars- Whether you're going out or hosting a gathering, you gotta bring the calendar. When the clock strikes midnight, drive a stake through the heart of the old year. If you don't, you'll be forced to remember everything that happened in the previous year. Gross! Make sure your stake is made of ash!  Protip: Don't bring next year's calendar! If you stab the wrong year, time will stop. Don't be a dolt!

(Above: The reason I don't recall 2013.)

5. MAKE KISS- Mash your face against your friends and lovers. I think it's for luck or fun or destiny or whatever. I'm sure it's a tradition. Don't let anyone tell you it's not.