The Seven Daily Habits of Achievement Havers!

Are there people in your life that you're totally jealous of? Achievements flock to them like seagulls to french fries. Maybe their career pays them in gold doubloons or they have a spouse that's made of platinum. Perhaps they've met a submarine or they've earned enough Subway reward points to get a free hoagie every Tuesday. Don't waste your time coveting their success. You can get some cool shit going on in your life too! You just need to practice these seven daily habits in order to cultivate your own personal sucessfulness! 

1. Be An Early Bird-People who do things early are the first to be offered worms and birdfeed. Unfortunately, it is a scientific fact that waking up at dawn is impossible. I have discovered a more effective way to maximize the early morning. I make it my habit to stay up past midnight for at least a few hours so I can be awake at the earliest hours of the morning. I use that time to catch up on my favorite cartoons and eat my roommate's snack foods. When I've gotten a three hour jump on my day, I feel comfortable sleeping all the way to noon. Protip: If you eat all the food while everyone is asleep, then there's literally nothing to miss out on.

2. Work Hard at Stuff-Scientific studies show that as long as you work hard at something, you will activate a string of successful achievements that will cling to you like leaches to an armpit. I spend 4 hours a day mastering, SkiFree. It's been hard and I've almost given up on it, but I didn't. Now, my hand is frozen in an attractive claw shape and I have a great new addition to my resume. 

3. Find a Role Model-Choose a person or animal to emulate and NEVER LET THEM OUT OF YOUR SIGHT! I mean it. Follow them, Watch them sleep. Eat their leftovers and see if they'll let you wear their clothes. That's the surest way to becoming a champion. 

4. Buy An Ear Thing-Jam this thing into your ear and shout at your imaginary friends. Successful marketers or bankers are always doing that. Flaunt your popularity with everyone's invisible playmates! 

5. Fill Your Car with Calendars-People will know that you mean business when they see that your Toyota Corolla is filled to the brim with day planners! It doesn't matter what year they're from. The general vibe of organization will rub off on you. Make sure you leave room for your eyes to peer out the window. Winners don't crash. 

6. Follow Your Passions-You will never be able to have an achievement if you don't love what you're doing! Ask yourself what makes you happy and throw all your energy into doing that thing. I am passionate about tater tots, hash browns, and curly fries. I've built my life around the endless pursuit of these potatoey treats. I am so full of carbs that I sleep like a baby. It's a good life. 

7. Believe in Yourself-The only thing that you can know for sure is that you exist. Surveys show that all successful human billionaires believe that they are people who are tangible, sentient, and existing.