Trolls and Self-Defense

Not everyone on the internet is your friend. Sometimes, creatures called "trolls" rove around in the digital wasteland looking for honest folks to devour. 

If you have a social networking account or make a comment on an article, you could be a victim of anonymous cruelty. If a stranger personally attacks you, there are ways to fight back. Just consider the kindly lobster and its E.X.O.S.K..E.L.E.T.O.N.

Escalate- When someone says an unkind thing to you, take note and attack them with even more vitriol. Here are a few phrases that I like to bandy about "Your mother is a snail!" "Your father enjoys the company of snails!" "You probably look good in gray!" "You eat too much molasses!"
BOOM! Hit 'em where it hurts.

Xerox- Next, you need to make a hard copy of your interaction and send it to the nearest police station. Local law enforcement is specially equipped to deal with online meanies. Don't forget to call 911 to make sure they know to expect it!

Oatmeal- Don't neglect your health just because someone is mean to you! Fiber is important. Treat yourself to some Dino Eggs.

Sarcasm- If you escalated the situation, chances are the troll is going to respond again. Congratulations! Now you can employ "sarcasm" to make them realize the error of their ways. That's what Chandler Bing would do! Who could stay mad at a face like this?

Knife- Pull out your best knife and brandish it at your computer screen. You're probably getting frustrated by this point, so it helps to make threatening gestures at a webcam.

Ether- This tried and true drug will help you relax after the troll makes another nasty comment. They've probably labored to tear down everything you love and care about. Take the edge off with a snoot full of classic relaxation.

Larping- No one could make fun of a person who does live action role playing! Use this experience as a way to improve yourself. Take a photo of yourself winning a duel and show it to the troll.

Examine- Your life and the choices you've made. What if the troll is right? What if you don't amount to anything and they are the only person honest enough to tell you the truth? Oh no.

Tear- Out your own hair. You might look good bald. SOME PEOPLE LOOK GOOD BALD!

Offend- Say something bad about yourself in front of the troll. They can't go on saying mean stuff if you're doing all the work. Take that, troll! I do have a fat ass and I am a talentless hack! I hate myself more than you do! What now? 

Nature- Drop off the grid and get in touch with nature. Who needs the internet anyway?! Not you. 

No sir. It's much nicer outside. Check into joining some Amish communities. I hear they're lovely people. 

Five Key Ingredients for a Happy Relationship

The union of two compatible souls can make life a jamboree of happy times and soft-serve ice cream. A failing relationship can make life dreary and painful. Like an everlasting paintball game where the winners get jury duty and the losers are framed for tax evasion. Relationships are hard work and its important to get it right. I will now impart champion life-style tips so you might enjoy a never-ending relationship jamboree.

1. Touch- Physical touch is a crucial ingredient in human love relationships. You need to make sure you show your partner affection at all times. When they are nearby, you have to maintain a constant state of affectionate touch. Your partner will feel lost and bereft if your contact is broken even for a moment. If you insist on being weak and visiting the restroom alone, I suggest commissioning a lover's blanket so your partner doesn't feel lonely while you're away. Shutterfly will create a blanket with your likeness on it for a modest price. You can cover your partner with your fleecy image if you must be parted. 

2. Conflict Production/Resolution- It is important for you to express yourself to your partner. Especially if you are mad or sad or hurt. I've found that it is best to manufacture several negative emotions every day, even if I'm in a good mood! I suggest you set aside 30 minutes every day to rage, cry, and rail at your partner. They will love how easy it is to resolve your conflict when they realize that you were never really upset in the first place! 

3. Time- The cornerstone of a good relationship is the quantity and quality of the time you spend together. Never settle for bland evenings sitting in front of a fire. You need to orchestrate high-octane, applause-inducing spectacles whenever you are together. Try reenacting your favorite heist movies, prank calling police officers, or writing obituaries for those who have wronged you.

4. Passionate Buzzwords- Keep some spice alive in your relationship by combining business-speak with words that indicate eternities and passion and moisture. Try these on for size: Eternal leverage, turgid paradigm, everlasting synergy, soppy pie chart. Whoa! Look out! Those words are certain to get you a "promotion"

5. Acceptance/Tolerance- It important to love your partner for who they are. That can be hard to do! It can be difficult to be with someone who says "expresso"  instead of "espresso" or chews with their mouth open or screams into the North Wind when the moon is full and laundry beckons. You can learn to tolerate and even accept your significant other by writing down their flaws on a piece of parchment, sealing it into a bottle and throwing it into the nearest body of water. Do not write your partner's name! Keep it anonymous! I suggest you simply leave your phone number so the bottle-finder can get in touch if things don't work out.

Finding Your Dream Job!

How many of you idiots work jobs just so you can make ends meet? You need to pay the bills, get the kids through school, pay off students loans, blah, blah, blah....Guess what. Life isn't supposed to be like that! A wise man (Lenny Kravitz or Abraham Lincoln or whatever) summed it up perfectly when he said, "Follow your dreams! Seize the night, during the day!" Today, I will offer priceless advice on landing your very own DREAM JOB!

1. Keep a Journal- You can't pursue your dream job until you know what it is. Keep a notebook beside your bed or under your pillow so you can write down all of your dreams. In the morning, you'll be surprised by all the crazy-cool shit that you think of. I invented a cure for tricycles last night! Thanks brain!

2. Take a Quiz or Something- The Internet will enable anonymous experts to ask you questions and plot your future. I know this seems tedious, but it will really help you figure out which dream is the best one to follow. I've made all of my life choices by taking online quizzes and I'm totally kickass. Don't hesitate to do the same!
Dream Interpretation
Job Interpretation 
IQ Stuff 
Night Fruit

3. Discover Your Strengths-You can do anything you want because this is America. No one can stop you from becoming an astronaut, a doctor, or an actual hot dog. It is important that you compete in as many contests/auditions/feats of strength as possible. I found that auditioning for the circus was a great way to figure out my dream abilities very quickly!

4. Don't Forget About the Money!- You still need to eat and live inside a building. Before you embark on your dream job hunt make sure to either
a. Inherit money from a death in your family (Uncle Alistair, I'm looking at you!)
b. Dig up buried valuables
c. Trick the bank into giving you money. Protip: Write a check to yourself for "cash" This is a common loophole in the banking system because they are required to give you as much money as you want AS LONG AS IT IS ON A CHECK! Idiots......

5. Be a Champion! - As soon as you've isolated your interest, it is important that you destroy anyone that comes between you and your dream. Locate experts in your chosen field and systematically destroy them. Don't hold back, now. THIS IS YOUR DREAM!

Health and Fitness for Winners and Millionaires

Many people have things that are called "bodies". Bodies are the fleshy cars that tote the mind to movies, railroads, and gas stations. Experts agree that bodies need fuel and care and exercise and stuff so they can keep the mind from being dead. I've collected so many great tips for taking care of your brain car! Just remember the kindly N.U.T.R.I.A

1. Nourishment-Your body loves to eat things! Have you noticed a noisy cavity near the bottom of your face? That's called the "tooth-hole". The tooth-hole is where you deposit fuel for your body. Nutritionists agree that brightly colored items are the most healthy for you. Don't hesitate to crunch into rare and colorful fuels. The more difficult it is to chew, the better it is for you!

2. Ukulele-Exercise equipment comes in many shapes and sizes. Science says that this is the greatest tool for body-strengthening. Allow your long-toed paws to jangle on the sound-fibers! You will soon become strong and attractive!

3. Thunder-Sometimes sound vibrations come from the sky. Your body knows that it's important for your fleshy exterior to immerse itself in the glorious sky shouting. When rain comes your way, lay outside on the lawn. You will soak up premium thunder so your body might be courageous and supple.

4. Rabies-Remember the moving picture and book called Old Yeller? There was a dog who was sick and foamy and growly? This was because of a disease called "rabies". Allow wild animals to bite you so you might exchange your puny human weakness for the rage of an insulted raccoon!

5. Idleness-If you use your body too much, it could break. All people know that the brain-car could turn you into a ghost at any time. That's why it is important to sit very still most of the time. Don't move unless it is absolutely necessary!

6. Aftershave-It makes you smell fresh and sexy! Splash it on body parts to make the opposite sex desire company! Your brain will appreciate this.

The Seven Daily Habits of Achievement Havers!

Are there people in your life that you're totally jealous of? Achievements flock to them like seagulls to french fries. Maybe their career pays them in gold doubloons or they have a spouse that's made of platinum. Perhaps they've met a submarine or they've earned enough Subway reward points to get a free hoagie every Tuesday. Don't waste your time coveting their success. You can get some cool shit going on in your life too! You just need to practice these seven daily habits in order to cultivate your own personal sucessfulness! 

1. Be An Early Bird-People who do things early are the first to be offered worms and birdfeed. Unfortunately, it is a scientific fact that waking up at dawn is impossible. I have discovered a more effective way to maximize the early morning. I make it my habit to stay up past midnight for at least a few hours so I can be awake at the earliest hours of the morning. I use that time to catch up on my favorite cartoons and eat my roommate's snack foods. When I've gotten a three hour jump on my day, I feel comfortable sleeping all the way to noon. Protip: If you eat all the food while everyone is asleep, then there's literally nothing to miss out on.

2. Work Hard at Stuff-Scientific studies show that as long as you work hard at something, you will activate a string of successful achievements that will cling to you like leaches to an armpit. I spend 4 hours a day mastering, SkiFree. It's been hard and I've almost given up on it, but I didn't. Now, my hand is frozen in an attractive claw shape and I have a great new addition to my resume. 

3. Find a Role Model-Choose a person or animal to emulate and NEVER LET THEM OUT OF YOUR SIGHT! I mean it. Follow them, Watch them sleep. Eat their leftovers and see if they'll let you wear their clothes. That's the surest way to becoming a champion. 

4. Buy An Ear Thing-Jam this thing into your ear and shout at your imaginary friends. Successful marketers or bankers are always doing that. Flaunt your popularity with everyone's invisible playmates! 

5. Fill Your Car with Calendars-People will know that you mean business when they see that your Toyota Corolla is filled to the brim with day planners! It doesn't matter what year they're from. The general vibe of organization will rub off on you. Make sure you leave room for your eyes to peer out the window. Winners don't crash. 

6. Follow Your Passions-You will never be able to have an achievement if you don't love what you're doing! Ask yourself what makes you happy and throw all your energy into doing that thing. I am passionate about tater tots, hash browns, and curly fries. I've built my life around the endless pursuit of these potatoey treats. I am so full of carbs that I sleep like a baby. It's a good life. 

7. Believe in Yourself-The only thing that you can know for sure is that you exist. Surveys show that all successful human billionaires believe that they are people who are tangible, sentient, and existing. 

 

Unbelievable Coffee Facts!

Today is Coffee's Birthday! Let me tell you some unbelievable facts about the BeanWater that we love to crave!

1. Coffee is the element that Prometheus stole from Mount Olympus for humanity's benefit. Not fire! (Myths are mostly lies.)

2. Drinking three cups of Starbucks in quick succession produces enough energy in your body to condense all of the matter in your extremities. Basically, it will fuse your fingers and toes together creating handsome and useful hooves!

3. The gods (of Olympus) consider the creation of decaf an unforgivable blasphemy. If you've ever had it, even if it's by accident, Zeus and his buddies are plotting bad things for you. I know drinking coffee after dinner keeps you up at night, but it's just not worth the ire of the immortals.

4. Coffee cannot be created or destroyed. Every cup you drink has passed through another person at least twice! That's why they don't let non-customers use the bathrooms at coffee shops. They don't want non-coffee drinkers messing up their reclamation system.

5. One cup of coffee produces enough energy to keep you feeling alert for up to 10 minutes! Wow!  The average person only needs 144 cups to be alert for 24 hours!

6. The word "coffee" comes from the Arabic word meaning "filtered mud"

Interview with a Rising Star of Literature!

My favorite novel of 2015 is Regina Underlord's debut, WhistWender. This book changed the way I relate to everything in my life. It was gorgeously rendered and life-affirming on so many levels. Imagine my delight when Mrs. Underlord agreed to be interviewed ON MY BLOG!

Tell us a little bit about your inspiration for writing this book 
You know that feeling you get when you open up the mailbox and find a package. It's something that you didn't order, but it's at your house anyway. You've had a rough day, so you bring it inside, pour a glass of wine and rip open the box. You find that it's jam-packed with foot cream and mouse traps. 
That kinda feeling gave me the idea for WhistWender. 

Who were you writing it for? 
My uncle Troy. The day after he was abducted by aliens, he called me up and said, "Regina. Write me a story about a little mouse, a bread factory, and a murderous forklift driver." He died two weeks after that phone call, but I still wrote the story. I had the cemetery install a one-way radio on his tombstone so I could read the book to him. In some ways, I'm thankful that he's dead. He probably would have hated the final product. I got a bit off track with the bit about the forklift rampage. 

How long did it take for you to finish? 
Hmmm. Counting outlining and fleshing it out....first through fifth drafts and editing. I'd say that it took me two solid months. It was grueling, my husband and I had to split up. The strain of my schedule was too much for him. Still, I think it was worth all the trouble. 

Was it hard to find a publisher? 
It was quite a challenge! I honestly didn't expect to have so much difficulty. I figured that I would skip all the drama that comes with agents and publish it myself. I had no idea that it would be such a chore. The word on the street was that if you paid someone the correct amount of money, they would print any old thing. No such luck here! I finally found a Kinko's that would print out my manuscript and laminate the cover, but I had to drive two states away. I can sell it on Amazon now, I just have to list it as a used copy of Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. 

Who are your favorite writers/role models? 
My role model in life and writing and everything has got to be Svetlana. She works at the Wendy's near my house. We struck up quite a friendship (I've eaten dinner there every day for the past ten years!). She's an inspiration in so many ways. She works her finger to the bones to keep her 34 cats fed and housed. She always writes chilling haikus on customers' receipts. The best poetry I've ever seen was written on a receipt for chili and a double cheese burger.  

What advice would you give to new authors? 
Don't write your novels in blood! I know it seems romantic, but you're totally screwed if you need to write something more than a few pages long. You're either gonna drain yourself or get slapped with a first-degree murder charge. It's not worth it. Just use a computer! 

Winn-Dixie in Your Backyard!

Do ya'll like food? I sure do. Did you know that many food items are grown from out of the filthy, muddy ground of the earth!? I shit you not! If you're clever and smart and oh-so-good, you can grow your own food from out of the muddy old ground!

1. Seeds-These are plant eggs. You need to get your hands on a few of these to get your food garden started. Many stores sell plant eggs and oftentimes, the name of the plant will be on the packaging. Get a little bit of everything. Vegetables come from plants and so do fruits! Meat, not so much. I'm still unclear about the origin of beer, but I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
Protip: Skittles suggest that they are rainbow seeds, this is not true. They are fruit seeds. Don't let the misleading advertising fool you. 

2. Thumbs- Are yours fleshy colored? You need to fix that. The best food-growers have dyed theirs green. It doesn't take long and it's inexpensive. You just have to commit to having weird looking hands for the rest of your life. Plants don't work unless your thumbs are green.

3. Cripple David the Gnome- Have you seen the tiny man who lives on your lawn? His name is David. We all have them. These little scoundrels like to dig up plant eggs and eat them. Don't let him do that! Take it easy, now! Don't kill him. Just take his right hand so he knows who the boss is (it's you).   

4. Plant your eggs! - This is where those green thumbs come in handy! Take a pail of water and empty it into the dirt (this creates mud). Then give the nasty mud-slurry the thumbs up! Punch holes in the ground and sprinkle your seeds! 

5. Garden Guardians! Enlist the help of the friendly outdoor fauna. Shelled creatures are very sympathetic to the tender greens. Ask them to look after the garden for you. 

6. Feed Your Seeds- This is going to seem counterintuitive, but you need to feed your future food with your current food. Variety is key. Just pile your groceries on the ground and walk away. You might be hungry now, but imagine how good those turnips are going to taste after they eat your pizza. 

Yum-o! 

7. The Waiting Game!-Your plants are going to change from green and leafy to crunchy and brown. You gotta play hard to get. Ignore your plants until they get all crunchy. That's when you know it's time. 

8. Harvest! Once your plants are ready, you need to rip those bad boys out of the ground. Don't hesitate to use powerful machinery to pry them from their terrestrial cradle. They don't want to be eaten, but they totally owe you one. You took care of them for, like, forever. 

9. It's totally time to eat!