Not everyone on the internet is your friend. Sometimes, creatures called "trolls" rove around in the digital wasteland looking for honest folks to devour.
If you have a social networking account or make a comment on an article, you could be a victim of anonymous cruelty. If a stranger personally attacks you, there are ways to fight back. Just consider the kindly lobster and its E.X.O.S.K..E.L.E.T.O.N.
Escalate- When someone says an unkind thing to you, take note and attack them with even more vitriol. Here are a few phrases that I like to bandy about "Your mother is a snail!" "Your father enjoys the company of snails!" "You probably look good in gray!" "You eat too much molasses!"
BOOM! Hit 'em where it hurts.
Xerox- Next, you need to make a hard copy of your interaction and send it to the nearest police station. Local law enforcement is specially equipped to deal with online meanies. Don't forget to call 911 to make sure they know to expect it!
Oatmeal- Don't neglect your health just because someone is mean to you! Fiber is important. Treat yourself to some Dino Eggs.
Sarcasm- If you escalated the situation, chances are the troll is going to respond again. Congratulations! Now you can employ "sarcasm" to make them realize the error of their ways. That's what Chandler Bing would do! Who could stay mad at a face like this?
Knife- Pull out your best knife and brandish it at your computer screen. You're probably getting frustrated by this point, so it helps to make threatening gestures at a webcam.
Ether- This tried and true drug will help you relax after the troll makes another nasty comment. They've probably labored to tear down everything you love and care about. Take the edge off with a snoot full of classic relaxation.
Larping- No one could make fun of a person who does live action role playing! Use this experience as a way to improve yourself. Take a photo of yourself winning a duel and show it to the troll.
Examine- Your life and the choices you've made. What if the troll is right? What if you don't amount to anything and they are the only person honest enough to tell you the truth? Oh no.
Tear- Out your own hair. You might look good bald. SOME PEOPLE LOOK GOOD BALD!
Offend- Say something bad about yourself in front of the troll. They can't go on saying mean stuff if you're doing all the work. Take that, troll! I do have a fat ass and I am a talentless hack! I hate myself more than you do! What now?
Nature- Drop off the grid and get in touch with nature. Who needs the internet anyway?! Not you.
No sir. It's much nicer outside. Check into joining some Amish communities. I hear they're lovely people.
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