The Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Musician

You should learn at least one musical instrument in your lifetime. Really. I insist. It is one of the most rewarding experiences in the history of ever. I know it can seem daunting. Where do you begin? What to play? How can an adult person learn new things? Don't worry, dear reader. I have some amazing tips that will help you find your spirit-instrument and master it with minimal pain.

1. Instruments! Many people assume that they can just choose to play any old thing. WRONG! You have to be chosen by an instrument. This is a beginner's mistake, which I find embarrassing. Before you can start learning, you need to visit a store and see what gravitates to you. As soon as you walk in the door, spin around (see below). The first thing that you knock off the shelf is the instrument for you. I recommend  Ricky's Racket Shack, The Sound Pound, Suckerpunch Fiddlesticks, or ET Pawn Home. 

2. Bonding! When you get your new instrument home, it is going to be frightened. It will miss its mother and will likely whimper all night. This is normal. It also a great opportunity to bond. For the first week, you will need to sleep with your instrument under your pillow. Don't worry! Pillows are soft and they won't harm your new friend. You will be thick as thieves after you spend a few nights together.

3. Get a Book or Teacher or Something! You cannot learn by osmosis. You will need to consult an instructor of some kind. It is crucial that you begin with the hardest lesson and work backwards. As the lessons get easier, your sense of accomplishment will grow.

4. Practice! The cool thing about practicing is that if you get it right the first time, you only have to do it ONCE! I promise! That's how it works! (The only catch is that you need to obtain and drink a pint of unicorn blood.)

5. Horcrux! In order to play well, you will need to conceal a part of your actual soul into the instrument. Make sure to lop off at least a quarter of your immortal essence and feed it into the soundhole. It only works if you use a sterling silver blade with an ivory handle. You will play beautifully, but you will lose the ability to feel joy. Your laughter will sound like the honk of a goose and when you cry, sand will dribble out your ears.

6. Grammies! Once you reach a high level of competence, you will start receiving these. It usually takes about three months, so be patient.