Winn-Dixie in Your Backyard!

Do ya'll like food? I sure do. Did you know that many food items are grown from out of the filthy, muddy ground of the earth!? I shit you not! If you're clever and smart and oh-so-good, you can grow your own food from out of the muddy old ground!

1. Seeds-These are plant eggs. You need to get your hands on a few of these to get your food garden started. Many stores sell plant eggs and oftentimes, the name of the plant will be on the packaging. Get a little bit of everything. Vegetables come from plants and so do fruits! Meat, not so much. I'm still unclear about the origin of beer, but I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
Protip: Skittles suggest that they are rainbow seeds, this is not true. They are fruit seeds. Don't let the misleading advertising fool you. 

2. Thumbs- Are yours fleshy colored? You need to fix that. The best food-growers have dyed theirs green. It doesn't take long and it's inexpensive. You just have to commit to having weird looking hands for the rest of your life. Plants don't work unless your thumbs are green.

3. Cripple David the Gnome- Have you seen the tiny man who lives on your lawn? His name is David. We all have them. These little scoundrels like to dig up plant eggs and eat them. Don't let him do that! Take it easy, now! Don't kill him. Just take his right hand so he knows who the boss is (it's you).   

4. Plant your eggs! - This is where those green thumbs come in handy! Take a pail of water and empty it into the dirt (this creates mud). Then give the nasty mud-slurry the thumbs up! Punch holes in the ground and sprinkle your seeds! 

5. Garden Guardians! Enlist the help of the friendly outdoor fauna. Shelled creatures are very sympathetic to the tender greens. Ask them to look after the garden for you. 

6. Feed Your Seeds- This is going to seem counterintuitive, but you need to feed your future food with your current food. Variety is key. Just pile your groceries on the ground and walk away. You might be hungry now, but imagine how good those turnips are going to taste after they eat your pizza. 

Yum-o! 

7. The Waiting Game!-Your plants are going to change from green and leafy to crunchy and brown. You gotta play hard to get. Ignore your plants until they get all crunchy. That's when you know it's time. 

8. Harvest! Once your plants are ready, you need to rip those bad boys out of the ground. Don't hesitate to use powerful machinery to pry them from their terrestrial cradle. They don't want to be eaten, but they totally owe you one. You took care of them for, like, forever. 

9. It's totally time to eat!