Free Advice from a Certified Dance Expert

Readers, how many left feet do you have? Is it more than the ideal amount?

That's what I thought. Don't worry. Let me help. Sit down for a minute so I can tell you about some dope-ass dance techniques that helped me go from DanceDunce to Kevin Bacon. Let the friendly C.O.R.M.O.R.A.N.T. be your guide

-Costume-Before you start to think about dope-ass moves and grinding and junk, you need to assemble the perfect outfit. You need to be alluringly draped in fabric, fur, or latex before anyone will take you seriously.

-Obsess-Is your dancing so bad that you've been mocked? Now is the time to channel all of that anxiety into something productive. Make sure to dwell on your failures and tense your muscles in preparation for learning.

-Rest-Wow. Dwelling on social trauma is exhausting. Take a break before you turn on that music. Have a beer and relax. You can learn some stuff tomorrow.

-Moves-If you break dancing down to its most basic components, you will see that it is simply a series of movements and motions. You're moving and motioning all day! How many times have you walked to the bathroom? Did you walk the dog today or water the garden? Then you totally just danced a little. You're almost there!

-Overcome-I bet your inner critic is a real downer. You need to overcome that voice in your head that reminds you that you're terrible at dancing. Video games help to silence that inner critic so you can focus on learning dance moves tomorrow.

-Radio-Do you have an outdated sound system?! That's most of the problem! Make sure you find the best sound system that you can afford for your home studio. Don't be an idiot! You can't dance without music.

-Analyze-All of the best dancers learned from watching the pros. Pull up some dance videos on YouTube...or maybe you could watch a film. Center Stage and Black Swan are great places to start. Are those streaming on Netflix right now? You ought to go check.

-Networking-It's important to surround yourself with supportive and like-minded people. Put yourself out there and meet some real dancers who understand the struggles that you're going through. Dancers love juice and healthy junk. Hang around at the local Smoothie King and see who shows up. 

-Treat Yourself-You've been working pretty hard. If you push yourself, you could get hurt! Take a break and go out to dinner. I hear that the Mexican place down the street has excellent enchiladas.