Five Key Ingredients for a Happy Relationship

The union of two compatible souls can make life a jamboree of happy times and soft-serve ice cream. A failing relationship can make life dreary and painful. Like an everlasting paintball game where the winners get jury duty and the losers are framed for tax evasion. Relationships are hard work and its important to get it right. I will now impart champion life-style tips so you might enjoy a never-ending relationship jamboree.

1. Touch- Physical touch is a crucial ingredient in human love relationships. You need to make sure you show your partner affection at all times. When they are nearby, you have to maintain a constant state of affectionate touch. Your partner will feel lost and bereft if your contact is broken even for a moment. If you insist on being weak and visiting the restroom alone, I suggest commissioning a lover's blanket so your partner doesn't feel lonely while you're away. Shutterfly will create a blanket with your likeness on it for a modest price. You can cover your partner with your fleecy image if you must be parted. 

2. Conflict Production/Resolution- It is important for you to express yourself to your partner. Especially if you are mad or sad or hurt. I've found that it is best to manufacture several negative emotions every day, even if I'm in a good mood! I suggest you set aside 30 minutes every day to rage, cry, and rail at your partner. They will love how easy it is to resolve your conflict when they realize that you were never really upset in the first place! 

3. Time- The cornerstone of a good relationship is the quantity and quality of the time you spend together. Never settle for bland evenings sitting in front of a fire. You need to orchestrate high-octane, applause-inducing spectacles whenever you are together. Try reenacting your favorite heist movies, prank calling police officers, or writing obituaries for those who have wronged you.

4. Passionate Buzzwords- Keep some spice alive in your relationship by combining business-speak with words that indicate eternities and passion and moisture. Try these on for size: Eternal leverage, turgid paradigm, everlasting synergy, soppy pie chart. Whoa! Look out! Those words are certain to get you a "promotion"

5. Acceptance/Tolerance- It important to love your partner for who they are. That can be hard to do! It can be difficult to be with someone who says "expresso"  instead of "espresso" or chews with their mouth open or screams into the North Wind when the moon is full and laundry beckons. You can learn to tolerate and even accept your significant other by writing down their flaws on a piece of parchment, sealing it into a bottle and throwing it into the nearest body of water. Do not write your partner's name! Keep it anonymous! I suggest you simply leave your phone number so the bottle-finder can get in touch if things don't work out.