Self-Defense Essentials: Are You Taking Shit or Taking Names?

Readers, do you hate getting punched in the face? Are your possessions so stealable that you quake in fear when you leave the house? Never fear! I have some badass self-defense tips that will make you feel like a human machete!
Just remember the kindly D.U.G.O.N.G

1. Darts-You know that game where you hurl pointy projectiles at a grid on the wall or something?You need to practice that and carry a fanny pack of pointy darts everywhere you go. If someone comes at you with a gun. BOOM! Dart the eye. You are a champion. I believe in you. 

2. Uncle Gene- He’s a total boss! He’ll have your back no matter what. Just rub the magic shoehorn (the one you keep in your fanny pack) and say “Leslie Eugene McGuire” three times and he will be with you. Even unto the ends of the Earth. 

Glamdring- Gandalf's mythic sword will ever aid a nerd in distress. If you’ve read the Lord of the Rings trilogy, it is your right as a fan to call upon Gandalf’s eternal justice-claw. The only catch is that you have to keep a print copy of the book in your fanny pack in order to summon it. I suggest you purchase the paperback copies because they are easier to heft. EBOOKS DON’T WORK, SO DON’T ASK! When trouble calls simply fling The Two Towers onto the pavement and wait. Glamdring will appear in due course.

Opium- If you pull some of the good stuff out of your fanny pack, the assailant will want to take a hit. Encourage the evil-doer to chase the dragon. Once their guard is down, kick their shins and tarnish their reputation!

Nylon- Wear pantyhose on your head at all times. This is a common indicator of a criminal-minded person. Imagine the confusion you are sure to cause when the assailant finds that you are a fellow crimester!

Gravel- Fill your fannny pack with these crunchy baby rocks! You will be lumpier and harder to pick up. This ensures that you won’t get kidnapped and it’s a great workout! 

Now, you're ready to hit the town! You're unstoppable! You're fearsome! Be a champion!