People always tout the benefits of meditation. They say that it brings peace of mind and strength of body and all that other stuff. All of that junk is true, but have you tried it? It takes forever and I got totally bored! Don’t you worry, dear reader, I have devised my own meditation tips to give you maximum entertainment and minimum time commitment. That’s right. I won at meditation and I can teach you to do the same!
Quiet Your Mind, But Not Too Much!- You don’t want your big, dumb head to turn into a balloon and float away! My mind can only truly rest when I am watching Transformers II. The crunch of alien metal motor-beasts reminds me of my insignificance and frailty. If Bumblebee threw me across a four-lane highway, I would be totally dead!
Posture-Meditating people need to practice good posture. You can sit in a meadow cross-legged, palms facing the sky. You can lie down and close your eyes. You could even stand quietly in your backyard. BORING! Sometimes I meditate by doing cartwheels in the woods behind my house.
Time-Experts suggest that you get up early in the morning to meditate while your mind is free of clutter and the sun is cold. No way! Sleeping is the best. Most days, I set aside ten seconds out of every minute to meditate. Top that, Dalai Lama!
Find a Kickass Mantra-Have you noticed that meditating people usually mumble some sort of crazy “Ommmmmm” sound? Don’t be an idiot! Choose another sound to make sure you sound like a badass. I chant, “Hotwing! Lapdance!” when I meditate.
Breathing-The ideal meditator never breathes. This is quite a difficult task. I’ve found that it works best underwater. Cartwheel into the nearest pond and give it a try!
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Candles-I’ve heard people suggest that you use a candle or incense to set a mood of relaxation and peace. That’s all well and good, but I successfully maximized my mood by using Roman candles instead!
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