Five Unstoppable Marketing Strategies

Wow. It's already that time!? The cupboards are bare and you need to pick up supplies from the market. What a hassle! Here are some champion tips for getting the most bang for your buck!

1. Determine your need-Are you a carbon-based life form that feeds on organic matter or are you a silicone-based life form that thrives on cities and roadways? Savvy marketers make lists of edible items so they don't die. 

2. Find a Market-Which organization is best suited to sell you the life-food that you so desperately need? Ask the Internet by searching for these terms (depending on your life-form type) Military surplus, HUMAN FOOD, ranch, and San Diego. These are great places to begin. Call a cab or bus to transport you! 

3. Coupons are Things!-Colorful slips of paper tell the MoneyWitch at the cash register that you can use scissors and have earned special privileges! Cut pictures of food out of books and magazines.

4. Remember When We Made Money?-The MoneyWitch won't let you out the door without surrendering some of that sweet cash. Peel off part of your homemade stash or use some of the shit that you get from your job. Whatever.
Protip: Remember to keep glitter in your change purse. This is charming to find in unexpected places. 

5. Food Shovels and Pinch Sticks!!-Many people eat with these. ANIMALS DO NOT! If you're a person, you might need this.