Fast and Easy Recipes for On-the-Go Professionals

Modern life is hectic! Rushing from work to school to the gym to secret midnight cults keep the average adult from focusing on what really matters: NUTRITION! Dear readers, in order to thrive in a demanding world of commerce, you need to take care of your body! I've deigned to share five of my most successful recipes with you today. All of them take less than thirty minutes to prepare, they are almost free, and they taste like they cost at least $11! Feast your eyes on these charming food-spells:

1. Bee-Syrup Smoothies 

Did you know that those pesky little summertime bugs have the sweetest of all excretions? It's true. Brave farmers from across the nation work together to milk the little beasties twice a day to extract their golden goop. There are jars of bee syrup sitting at your local grocery story as we speak! Here's the trick for identifying them: Bee syrup is hidden inside bear-shaped jars instead of bee-shaped jars. Remember, bee-syrup is NOT a bear excretion. That comes in plastic tubs labeled "margarine." 

This is an ideal recipe for folks who like to eat green. 

1. Squirt bee-syrup into a blender. Don't use the whole bottle! Count to seventeen as you squeeze the bear. That will give you the perfect amount. 

2. Add two cups water. 

3. Add one cup ice

4. Add tablespoon of green food coloring. 

5. Blend for two minutes

Voila! Bon appetit! 

2. White Rice Al Dente 

Rice is a carb and it's full of calories. Carbs and calories keep us alive! You can't go wrong eating a big bowl of nature's carb. You will find boxes and bags of rice at your local supermarket. Carry some home and follow this recipe to create a hot and crunchy, death-preventing "meal."

1. Pour half box/bag of dried rice into kitchen bowl
2. Place bowl of rice in microwave
3. Set microwave to 30 minutes
4. Hot rice! 

3. Red Bread a la Carte 

If you thought rice was carby, get a load of this bread! Folks who follow gluten-free diets are always talking about bread or whatever. They must be onto something because it's delicious!

1. Find presliced bread at your local foods dealer. It often comes in plastic baggies.
2. Put three generous tablespoons of red food coloring in a squirt bottle full of water.
3. Empty contents of bottle onto loaf of bread. Be sure to cover the surface area of each slice! I suggest you use the trigger function on your squirt bottle, don't just pour it out.
4. Mash the loaf between two plates for maximum flatness and portability.
5. Find a potluck because you just made some party food!

4. Meatless Beef Jerky 
Vegetarians are things. In fact, they're people. They miss out on a lot of meals, snacks, and mandatory ritual feedings because the will not eat animal meat! That's hard for them. Luckily, I have discovered this recipe for a tasty and meat-free snack.

1. Purchase teriyaki flavored beef jerky from your local food broker.
2. Acquire a safety razor (the kind normally used for personal hygiene.)
3.Choose a piece of jerky and use razor to shear all the meat parts off the jerky.
4. Repeat previous step with each piece until the bag is empty.
5. Discard meat shavings and place finished product in a bowl. It should look something like this!

5. Smog

Tired of your stomach getting all the action? Fill your greedy breathe-bags with this stuff! 

1. Door-Expose your body to the outside air. You can recognize the outdoors by looking for these three indicators: dog that isn't yours, unruly/fast air, and unstoppable lamp (comes in white and flame) 

2. Extend nosehole- Suck in some of that thick and spicy atmosphere. Smog is most prevalent near cars, cities, and jets. Seek out the greatest concentration of these. 

3. Expel that junk! Blow that air back out again. Use your mouth to blow it away from you. Hurry! 

4. Repeat. Keep at it until your hunger is gone. Don't be shy, now. Smog is free!