Party Tips for Killing Time

Another year is almost here. Lots of folks are getting ready to stand close together and shout numbers at the sky. Sounds like fun, no? I've hosted and attended my fair share of Old Year Death-Days and I humbly offer these tips for enjoying the Yuletide's backside.

1. Number Glasses- Choose your favorite numerals and hide your eyes behind them. Wearing number glasses disguises your face so the zombie corpse of 2016 can't recognize you or follow you home.

2. Suds-Fizzy drinks are very stylish during Old Year Death-Day parties. It's crucial that you have THE FIZZIEST drink. My cocktail of choice is called Suudsu. Simply drop an Alka-Seltzer tab into a glass of skim milk then add rum and gummy bears. Dribble it on friends and enemies for good luck! 

3. Explosives-it goes without saying that a good party needs things that go BOOM. As soon as Christmas is over, locate a Party-Uncle to obtain fire-boomers. 

Common Party-Uncle Names include: Uncle Toby! Crazy Cliff! Mad Cat?! Alexander Shunnarah! 

When celebrations are near, the uncles spring up from the earth in their festive portable bungalows. (Party-Uncle Gene pictured below) 

4. Calendars- Whether you're going out or hosting a gathering, you gotta bring the calendar. When the clock strikes midnight, drive a stake through the heart of the old year. If you don't, you'll be forced to remember everything that happened in the previous year. Gross! Make sure your stake is made of ash!  Protip: Don't bring next year's calendar! If you stab the wrong year, time will stop. Don't be a dolt!

(Above: The reason I don't recall 2013.)

5. MAKE KISS- Mash your face against your friends and lovers. I think it's for luck or fun or destiny or whatever. I'm sure it's a tradition. Don't let anyone tell you it's not. 

Fast and Easy Recipes for On-the-Go Professionals

Modern life is hectic! Rushing from work to school to the gym to secret midnight cults keep the average adult from focusing on what really matters: NUTRITION! Dear readers, in order to thrive in a demanding world of commerce, you need to take care of your body! I've deigned to share five of my most successful recipes with you today. All of them take less than thirty minutes to prepare, they are almost free, and they taste like they cost at least $11! Feast your eyes on these charming food-spells:

1. Bee-Syrup Smoothies 

Did you know that those pesky little summertime bugs have the sweetest of all excretions? It's true. Brave farmers from across the nation work together to milk the little beasties twice a day to extract their golden goop. There are jars of bee syrup sitting at your local grocery story as we speak! Here's the trick for identifying them: Bee syrup is hidden inside bear-shaped jars instead of bee-shaped jars. Remember, bee-syrup is NOT a bear excretion. That comes in plastic tubs labeled "margarine." 

This is an ideal recipe for folks who like to eat green. 

1. Squirt bee-syrup into a blender. Don't use the whole bottle! Count to seventeen as you squeeze the bear. That will give you the perfect amount. 

2. Add two cups water. 

3. Add one cup ice

4. Add tablespoon of green food coloring. 

5. Blend for two minutes

Voila! Bon appetit! 

2. White Rice Al Dente 

Rice is a carb and it's full of calories. Carbs and calories keep us alive! You can't go wrong eating a big bowl of nature's carb. You will find boxes and bags of rice at your local supermarket. Carry some home and follow this recipe to create a hot and crunchy, death-preventing "meal."

1. Pour half box/bag of dried rice into kitchen bowl
2. Place bowl of rice in microwave
3. Set microwave to 30 minutes
4. Hot rice! 

3. Red Bread a la Carte 

If you thought rice was carby, get a load of this bread! Folks who follow gluten-free diets are always talking about bread or whatever. They must be onto something because it's delicious!

1. Find presliced bread at your local foods dealer. It often comes in plastic baggies.
2. Put three generous tablespoons of red food coloring in a squirt bottle full of water.
3. Empty contents of bottle onto loaf of bread. Be sure to cover the surface area of each slice! I suggest you use the trigger function on your squirt bottle, don't just pour it out.
4. Mash the loaf between two plates for maximum flatness and portability.
5. Find a potluck because you just made some party food!

4. Meatless Beef Jerky 
Vegetarians are things. In fact, they're people. They miss out on a lot of meals, snacks, and mandatory ritual feedings because the will not eat animal meat! That's hard for them. Luckily, I have discovered this recipe for a tasty and meat-free snack.

1. Purchase teriyaki flavored beef jerky from your local food broker.
2. Acquire a safety razor (the kind normally used for personal hygiene.)
3.Choose a piece of jerky and use razor to shear all the meat parts off the jerky.
4. Repeat previous step with each piece until the bag is empty.
5. Discard meat shavings and place finished product in a bowl. It should look something like this!

5. Smog

Tired of your stomach getting all the action? Fill your greedy breathe-bags with this stuff! 

1. Door-Expose your body to the outside air. You can recognize the outdoors by looking for these three indicators: dog that isn't yours, unruly/fast air, and unstoppable lamp (comes in white and flame) 

2. Extend nosehole- Suck in some of that thick and spicy atmosphere. Smog is most prevalent near cars, cities, and jets. Seek out the greatest concentration of these. 

3. Expel that junk! Blow that air back out again. Use your mouth to blow it away from you. Hurry! 

4. Repeat. Keep at it until your hunger is gone. Don't be shy, now. Smog is free! 

In Memoriam

Most couples adopt a puppy together. But Brad and I aren’t like most couples. I was in a foul mood on my 30th birthday when Brad brought me a Rubbermaid bin full of soil and light bulbs with a little water dish and a food bowl. He was going to get me a tortoise. We were going to raise an immortal friendship beast together. What better way to celebrate aging than adopting a creature that will outlive you by decades?

The next day while Brad was at work, I made calls and sent emails all over town to find a resident for my tortoise habitat. Petco had a little Russian tortoise that he had been planning to get, but it had been purchased by the time he’d assembled all the supplies. A lot of pet stores don’t carry them since they can require a lot of care and they’re practically immortal. The only place that had them was Ed’s Pet World. Ed’s is more of an animal penitentiary than a pet store. They’ve been around for longer than I’ve been alive despite *what I assume* are countless lawsuits and python-related mishaps. God help me, I had no business going into that frightful place. They had animals stacked on top of each other in racks and bins. Creatures stared dolefully from wire cages and cardboard boxes. They even kept a pair of adult tortoises who ambled through the store gobbling up misplaced carrots, dog chow, and car keys (I assume.) I went to the register and asked which tortoises were for sale. The clerk reached under the counter and brought out a clear plastic box containing a little sand colored stone. She scooped it up and placed it in my hand, then walked away without a word. I examined it closely and saw two little nostrils and four little feet tucked under a protective carapace.

I was in love the moment I laid eyes on him. I stood with him in the palm of my hand for an hour. It took several minutes for him to poke his head out and meet me, then his tiny toenails scratched at my hand as he decided I was safe to explore. He was a sulcata tortoise hatchling. A breed of tortoise which was the third largest in the world. His breed can grow to be heavier than me and no one is really sure what their lifespan is, but we know it’s longer than mine. Nonetheless, I had to have him.

Brad was leaving work when I called to tell him I’d found my tortoise. I told him I was crazy. I told him I was impractical. But I couldn’t let him go. The little guy was so vulnerable but he was tough too. He was a curious little tank who wanted to explore every inch of the store, yet he was terrified when I sneezed. Brad understood that I’d bonded with him and despite the impracticality of his future size and lifespan, we took him home. We set up an enclosure and put him inside. I watched with bated breath as he explored for a little while then fell asleep. I dubbed him Nebuchadnezzar: Land Eagle and I vowed to keep him safe and healthy and happy. For the rest of our lives.

Land Eagle was painfully young and cute and vulnerable. I poured outrageous amounts of worry and attention to his comfort. He had to have lots of sunlight and high humidity, room to roam and grass to graze on. If I left him without something he wanted, he would climb the side of his cage and fall over onto his back and not be able to flip himself over. He would die if I didn’t find him in time. Sometimes, I would get up in the middle of the night just to check on him. I was plagued by nightmares of his demise, so I got up extra early every morning so I could feed him, bathe him, and take him on a teeny, tiny walk. While I was at work, I worried endlessly about whether he had flipped himself and whether he was hungry or bored. When I got home at the end of the day, he was already asleep. I counted every day a success when I was able to come home and find him safely snoozing under his log.

He and I were kindred spirits. Both herbivores who enjoyed being alone together. We never talked but we liked to be outdoors. We didn’t like to meet new people and we abhorred small-talk. We were both shy sometimes and bold sometimes and extremely stubborn. His growth was like his gait, slow but implacable. Nothing like the manic growth of a kitten or puppy. 
Within a year he was bigger, but still only as big as my hand. He developed a taste for dandelions and would get grumpy when he was hungry. Every morning, I would carry him on a saucer to graze in our front yard. The neighbors thought I was nuts because it looked for all the world like I’d put on my bathrobe and taken a bran muffin outside to sit in the grass (he was exactly the same size, color, and shape.) I meditated while he ate. I gathered my thoughts for the day ahead. I laid in the grass to see the world from his point of view. His steadfast companionship prepared me for days filled with noise and chaos.

Nebuchadnezzar: Land Eagle died in a freak accident sometime around his first birthday and his second spring. It didn’t happen long ago and I’ve just recently made the transition from inconsolable to partially consolable. To make myself feel better, I am looking for ways to help tortoise-kind to honor his memory.Tortoises and turtles are often adopted and abandoned. Especially sulcatas like Land Eagle, who grow to be enormous and immortal. I donated to the American Tortoise Rescue, please consider donating something to this organization. They help abandoned pets find homes, they fight for tortoise and turtle conservation, they help pay vet bills for sick animals, and they endeavor to end the harvesting of turtles and tortoises for food. I don’t know how to cope with the loss of my friend. I counted on us spending the rest of our lives together. Sometimes I still walk into his room out of habit. I still wake up at dawn for our morning routine, but he’s not there...

Shut Up Everyone! Here's Your Horoscope:

Gemini-This coming month will be full of unsavory opportunities. Don't take a single risk during this time and offer apologies to everyone who has loaned you money. A hefty windfall is headed your way, so buy an umbrella! When your mother mentions lasagna, pretend you have the flu.

Capricorn-The wheelbarrow is heading for you. Don't forget to move! Or stay put. It all depends on your preferences.

Taurus-Don't hold back this year. Consider giving in to temptations. Get yourself an extra sandwich. Buy your dad a puppy. Feed pennies to the ducks at the park. Treat yourself!

Corolla-Sit back and relax. People trust you. You've put in lots of work and it's about to pay off. Enjoy the moment and don't let anything stress you out.

Cancer-Now's the time to learn Portuguese!

Libra-A long-anticipated romance is about to come to fruition. Use protection! Just kidding;)

Leo-Probably deserves an Academy Award.

Lusitania-When you get to the end of the corridor, take a left and open the red door. It will lead you back to the street. Take a left when you get to the corner of the building and you will find yourself in an alley with a blue dumpster. If you move the dumpster a little to the right, you will find a small red door. The password is "Dakota."

Aries-Just let the lady take you home. Okay? Was that so hard?

Scorpio-You are a prince. Eat yourself some chocolate and take your lady dancing. Invest in a two person beanbag and quit your job. 

Sagittarius-Your mother and I are very worried about you. Is there something you need to tell us?

Pisces-Wither on the vine, oh ye of little faith! 
            The stream of oats flow barren. 
            The time runs the length and breadth of your desire. 
            Upended. Spilled out. Turnt loose. 
            You're allergic to peanuts now. 
            #blessed

Virgo-Ghosts are real. There's one in your house. You're sitting on her. Jerk.

Aquarius-You won at Powerball! Congrats! Share this photo for more winnings!