Unbelievable Coffee Facts!

Today is Coffee's Birthday! Let me tell you some unbelievable facts about the BeanWater that we love to crave!

1. Coffee is the element that Prometheus stole from Mount Olympus for humanity's benefit. Not fire! (Myths are mostly lies.)

2. Drinking three cups of Starbucks in quick succession produces enough energy in your body to condense all of the matter in your extremities. Basically, it will fuse your fingers and toes together creating handsome and useful hooves!

3. The gods (of Olympus) consider the creation of decaf an unforgivable blasphemy. If you've ever had it, even if it's by accident, Zeus and his buddies are plotting bad things for you. I know drinking coffee after dinner keeps you up at night, but it's just not worth the ire of the immortals.

4. Coffee cannot be created or destroyed. Every cup you drink has passed through another person at least twice! That's why they don't let non-customers use the bathrooms at coffee shops. They don't want non-coffee drinkers messing up their reclamation system.

5. One cup of coffee produces enough energy to keep you feeling alert for up to 10 minutes! Wow!  The average person only needs 144 cups to be alert for 24 hours!

6. The word "coffee" comes from the Arabic word meaning "filtered mud"

Interview with a Rising Star of Literature!

My favorite novel of 2015 is Regina Underlord's debut, WhistWender. This book changed the way I relate to everything in my life. It was gorgeously rendered and life-affirming on so many levels. Imagine my delight when Mrs. Underlord agreed to be interviewed ON MY BLOG!

Tell us a little bit about your inspiration for writing this book 
You know that feeling you get when you open up the mailbox and find a package. It's something that you didn't order, but it's at your house anyway. You've had a rough day, so you bring it inside, pour a glass of wine and rip open the box. You find that it's jam-packed with foot cream and mouse traps. 
That kinda feeling gave me the idea for WhistWender. 

Who were you writing it for? 
My uncle Troy. The day after he was abducted by aliens, he called me up and said, "Regina. Write me a story about a little mouse, a bread factory, and a murderous forklift driver." He died two weeks after that phone call, but I still wrote the story. I had the cemetery install a one-way radio on his tombstone so I could read the book to him. In some ways, I'm thankful that he's dead. He probably would have hated the final product. I got a bit off track with the bit about the forklift rampage. 

How long did it take for you to finish? 
Hmmm. Counting outlining and fleshing it out....first through fifth drafts and editing. I'd say that it took me two solid months. It was grueling, my husband and I had to split up. The strain of my schedule was too much for him. Still, I think it was worth all the trouble. 

Was it hard to find a publisher? 
It was quite a challenge! I honestly didn't expect to have so much difficulty. I figured that I would skip all the drama that comes with agents and publish it myself. I had no idea that it would be such a chore. The word on the street was that if you paid someone the correct amount of money, they would print any old thing. No such luck here! I finally found a Kinko's that would print out my manuscript and laminate the cover, but I had to drive two states away. I can sell it on Amazon now, I just have to list it as a used copy of Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen. 

Who are your favorite writers/role models? 
My role model in life and writing and everything has got to be Svetlana. She works at the Wendy's near my house. We struck up quite a friendship (I've eaten dinner there every day for the past ten years!). She's an inspiration in so many ways. She works her finger to the bones to keep her 34 cats fed and housed. She always writes chilling haikus on customers' receipts. The best poetry I've ever seen was written on a receipt for chili and a double cheese burger.  

What advice would you give to new authors? 
Don't write your novels in blood! I know it seems romantic, but you're totally screwed if you need to write something more than a few pages long. You're either gonna drain yourself or get slapped with a first-degree murder charge. It's not worth it. Just use a computer! 

Winn-Dixie in Your Backyard!

Do ya'll like food? I sure do. Did you know that many food items are grown from out of the filthy, muddy ground of the earth!? I shit you not! If you're clever and smart and oh-so-good, you can grow your own food from out of the muddy old ground!

1. Seeds-These are plant eggs. You need to get your hands on a few of these to get your food garden started. Many stores sell plant eggs and oftentimes, the name of the plant will be on the packaging. Get a little bit of everything. Vegetables come from plants and so do fruits! Meat, not so much. I'm still unclear about the origin of beer, but I'll let you know as soon as I find out.
Protip: Skittles suggest that they are rainbow seeds, this is not true. They are fruit seeds. Don't let the misleading advertising fool you. 

2. Thumbs- Are yours fleshy colored? You need to fix that. The best food-growers have dyed theirs green. It doesn't take long and it's inexpensive. You just have to commit to having weird looking hands for the rest of your life. Plants don't work unless your thumbs are green.

3. Cripple David the Gnome- Have you seen the tiny man who lives on your lawn? His name is David. We all have them. These little scoundrels like to dig up plant eggs and eat them. Don't let him do that! Take it easy, now! Don't kill him. Just take his right hand so he knows who the boss is (it's you).   

4. Plant your eggs! - This is where those green thumbs come in handy! Take a pail of water and empty it into the dirt (this creates mud). Then give the nasty mud-slurry the thumbs up! Punch holes in the ground and sprinkle your seeds! 

5. Garden Guardians! Enlist the help of the friendly outdoor fauna. Shelled creatures are very sympathetic to the tender greens. Ask them to look after the garden for you. 

6. Feed Your Seeds- This is going to seem counterintuitive, but you need to feed your future food with your current food. Variety is key. Just pile your groceries on the ground and walk away. You might be hungry now, but imagine how good those turnips are going to taste after they eat your pizza. 

Yum-o! 

7. The Waiting Game!-Your plants are going to change from green and leafy to crunchy and brown. You gotta play hard to get. Ignore your plants until they get all crunchy. That's when you know it's time. 

8. Harvest! Once your plants are ready, you need to rip those bad boys out of the ground. Don't hesitate to use powerful machinery to pry them from their terrestrial cradle. They don't want to be eaten, but they totally owe you one. You took care of them for, like, forever. 

9. It's totally time to eat! 

The Idiot's Guide to Becoming a Musician

You should learn at least one musical instrument in your lifetime. Really. I insist. It is one of the most rewarding experiences in the history of ever. I know it can seem daunting. Where do you begin? What to play? How can an adult person learn new things? Don't worry, dear reader. I have some amazing tips that will help you find your spirit-instrument and master it with minimal pain.

1. Instruments! Many people assume that they can just choose to play any old thing. WRONG! You have to be chosen by an instrument. This is a beginner's mistake, which I find embarrassing. Before you can start learning, you need to visit a store and see what gravitates to you. As soon as you walk in the door, spin around (see below). The first thing that you knock off the shelf is the instrument for you. I recommend  Ricky's Racket Shack, The Sound Pound, Suckerpunch Fiddlesticks, or ET Pawn Home. 

2. Bonding! When you get your new instrument home, it is going to be frightened. It will miss its mother and will likely whimper all night. This is normal. It also a great opportunity to bond. For the first week, you will need to sleep with your instrument under your pillow. Don't worry! Pillows are soft and they won't harm your new friend. You will be thick as thieves after you spend a few nights together.

3. Get a Book or Teacher or Something! You cannot learn by osmosis. You will need to consult an instructor of some kind. It is crucial that you begin with the hardest lesson and work backwards. As the lessons get easier, your sense of accomplishment will grow.

4. Practice! The cool thing about practicing is that if you get it right the first time, you only have to do it ONCE! I promise! That's how it works! (The only catch is that you need to obtain and drink a pint of unicorn blood.)

5. Horcrux! In order to play well, you will need to conceal a part of your actual soul into the instrument. Make sure to lop off at least a quarter of your immortal essence and feed it into the soundhole. It only works if you use a sterling silver blade with an ivory handle. You will play beautifully, but you will lose the ability to feel joy. Your laughter will sound like the honk of a goose and when you cry, sand will dribble out your ears.

6. Grammies! Once you reach a high level of competence, you will start receiving these. It usually takes about three months, so be patient.

Self-Defense Essentials: Are You Taking Shit or Taking Names?

Readers, do you hate getting punched in the face? Are your possessions so stealable that you quake in fear when you leave the house? Never fear! I have some badass self-defense tips that will make you feel like a human machete!
Just remember the kindly D.U.G.O.N.G

1. Darts-You know that game where you hurl pointy projectiles at a grid on the wall or something?You need to practice that and carry a fanny pack of pointy darts everywhere you go. If someone comes at you with a gun. BOOM! Dart the eye. You are a champion. I believe in you. 

2. Uncle Gene- He’s a total boss! He’ll have your back no matter what. Just rub the magic shoehorn (the one you keep in your fanny pack) and say “Leslie Eugene McGuire” three times and he will be with you. Even unto the ends of the Earth. 

Glamdring- Gandalf's mythic sword will ever aid a nerd in distress. If you’ve read the Lord of the Rings trilogy, it is your right as a fan to call upon Gandalf’s eternal justice-claw. The only catch is that you have to keep a print copy of the book in your fanny pack in order to summon it. I suggest you purchase the paperback copies because they are easier to heft. EBOOKS DON’T WORK, SO DON’T ASK! When trouble calls simply fling The Two Towers onto the pavement and wait. Glamdring will appear in due course.

Opium- If you pull some of the good stuff out of your fanny pack, the assailant will want to take a hit. Encourage the evil-doer to chase the dragon. Once their guard is down, kick their shins and tarnish their reputation!

Nylon- Wear pantyhose on your head at all times. This is a common indicator of a criminal-minded person. Imagine the confusion you are sure to cause when the assailant finds that you are a fellow crimester!

Gravel- Fill your fannny pack with these crunchy baby rocks! You will be lumpier and harder to pick up. This ensures that you won’t get kidnapped and it’s a great workout! 

Now, you're ready to hit the town! You're unstoppable! You're fearsome! Be a champion! 

Book vs. Movie: Shades of Grey

I know that converting a novel into a movie is a huge task to undertake. Condensing four hundred pages into a two hour time period makes it nearly impossible to capture the magic of the written word. I try to be forgiving because I know you can't make everyone happy. Still, I found the film adaptation of Jasper Fford's Shades of Grey hard to stomach.

Here are some of my biggest gripes about this cinematic trainwreck.
1. Where are we? The meticulously realized world of Chromatacia has been abandoned for....America? LAME!

Look at these losers! The man is about to make a purchase at a hardware store. Where is the dystopian society with a social hierarchy that's regulated by people's range of color perception?! I guess they didn't have a big budget for effects. 

2. The narrator-Eddie Russet has been replaced by a shy, mumbling lady named Anna or something. 

In the book, twenty year old Eddie is starting the question the rules of his society when he becomes smitten with an outlandish misfit named Jane Grey. This lady is not Eddie and she is boring and almost never wears red. 

3. Christian Grey.....? Is this some sort of gender swap? I mean, Eddie does fall for a person who can only see grey. And this guy is named Grey and he wears that color a lot. Still, I think the gender swap was distracting and unnecessary. 

4. Panties and Whips. Typical Hollywood! Trying to make everything violent or sexy. They really outdid themselves this time. The adaption took a story that was rife with absurdity and subtle digs at modern society and turned it into a tepid, fleshy slapfest.  

5. Spoons aplenty- In the book, the manufacture of spoons was strictly prohibited. Not so in the film. Watch as Ana stuffs her gob with soup. 

6. No one gets devoured by a carnivorous tree-I didn't want it to happen in the book, but I was dying for one person to get eaten by a yateveo tree in the movie. These idiots sucked face around the park for a good long time and nothing happened. Worst. 

This is the most dismal adaptation that I have ever seen! It makes me worry about the literacy of our entire culture. If a wealthy movie director can't be bothered to stay true to a challenging storyline, then I guess we really do deserve the ham and sausage party that fails to arouse anything aside from disappointment. I'm so sorry, Mr. Fforde. I hope the sequel turns out better! 

Meditation Tips for High Achievers!

People always tout the benefits of meditation. They say that it brings peace of mind and strength of body and all that other stuff. All of that junk is true, but have you tried it? It takes forever and I got totally bored! Don’t you worry, dear reader, I have devised my own meditation tips to give you maximum entertainment and minimum time commitment. That’s right. I won at meditation and I can teach you to do the same! 

Quiet Your Mind, But Not Too Much!- You don’t want your big, dumb head to turn into a balloon and float away! My mind can only truly rest when I am watching Transformers II. The crunch of alien metal motor-beasts reminds me of my insignificance and frailty. If Bumblebee threw me across a four-lane highway, I would be totally dead! 

Posture-Meditating people need to practice good posture. You can sit in a meadow cross-legged, palms facing the sky. You can lie down and close your eyes. You could even stand quietly in your backyard. BORING! Sometimes I meditate by doing cartwheels in the woods behind my house.

Time-Experts suggest that you get up early in the morning to meditate while your mind is free of clutter and the sun is cold. No way! Sleeping is the best. Most days, I set aside ten seconds out of every minute to meditate. Top that, Dalai Lama! 

Find a Kickass Mantra-Have you noticed that meditating people usually mumble some sort of crazy “Ommmmmm” sound? Don’t be an idiot! Choose another sound to make sure you sound like a badass. I chant, “Hotwing! Lapdance!” when I meditate.  

Breathing-The ideal meditator never breathes. This is quite a difficult task. I’ve found that it works best underwater. Cartwheel into the nearest pond and give it a try!           

                          

Candles-I’ve heard people suggest that you use a candle or incense to set a mood of relaxation and peace. That’s all well and good, but I successfully maximized my mood by using Roman candles instead!

Dreams Decoded: Let My Dog Tell You Stuff About Your Brain and Future or Whatever!

My dog, Rumo, is a very special and rare breed. He is a SnubNosed Fortune-Telling Snugglehound. If you think he looks like a pug, you are sadly mistaken. It goes without saying that I went to great effort and expense to procure such a creature. He performs a variety of services for me and my community. He reads tarot cards for the blind, he synthesizes odors from the underworld, he keeps secrets for clergymen, and he barks whenever he sees ghosts (There are so many ghosts!) The most important function that he serves for me is as a dream interpreter. I thought that I would share his services with you, dear reader! Yesterday, a few curious souls submitted their dreams for interpretation.

Colin-”I had a dream Tuesday night that I was running up these spiral steps that were falling apart.”

Oh wow. He’s adamant about the meaning for this one. Rumo is telling you that you’re going through a time of transition. The fact that the stairs keep falling apart suggests that you need guidance in getting to the next phase. Rumo suggests that you look into buying a boat and invest at least most of your cash into greyhound racing this weekend. Good luck!

Shawna: I went to a baseball game with Keith and Jenna, but they wouldn’t let me ride in their car because Keith had dog lice and they didn’t want me to get it.

Rumo has dog lice sometimes too. Sorry, Dream Keith. Rumo says that when you see lice and other pests in dreams it means that you’re feeling frustration and irritation. Since they’re not on you, it means that your frustration is aimed at Keith. This is probably because he is a strawberry murderer. You need to confront Keith by calling him out and stealing his wallet. Also, the car is meant to signify that you’re ready to make a big investment. Have you considered buying a boat?

Natasha: I dreamed of a high school boyfriend, he died a few years ago. But we were back in high school, young and having fun with old friends and everything. It wasn’t romantic or anything….then I couldn’t find him.

Rumo thinks that your dream is a way of keeping his memory alive. You were experiencing old friends and places as a way for your mind to experience a more carefree time. Rumo suggests that you get outside of your normal routine and make some new memories. Have you ever been to the Birmingham Race Course? Rumo suggests putting $250 on PJ in a Rush. She’s a champion dog-athlete!

Adam: I used to have a dream as a child where Tim Curry and Martin Mull were chasing me through a graveyard and I fell into an open grave. Not that I want that analyzed. They were dressed as Wadsworth and Colonel Mustard.

Rumo thinks that you watched Clue a few too many times in your formative years. You need to look into renting Jumanji, Zathura, and Battleship and watching those seven times each. Rumo promises mental health and serenity if you devote 35 hours of your weekend to playing Scene It.

Gabriel: My brothers and I were rummaging through the garage. I was able to fix a ladder to the wall to optimize on space: it felt good to know how to do it. My next older brother was in the back, sorting through things. My oldest brother and I were talking and smiling while he was sitting down and he was sorting through a chest of drawers in his lap.

Rumo says that dreaming about moving furniture or completing household chores with your family shows that you are going out of your way to please others. It also indicates that you might be changing your ways and you are in the process of reevaluating relationships or attitudes. The fact that you were able to optimize on space and feel good about it shows that you are well on the way to figuring out a pivotal truth. Have you ever sent a steak through the mail? Rumo says that your revelation will be fully realized when you send a sirloin steak (16 oz.) to PO Box 12449, Birmingham, AL 35209. Wow.

Gavin: In a dream a couple of days ago, I rode my bike over a stranger’s head! They were repairing a car, but obviously had their feet under the car and not their head! I said sorry and can’t remember anymore of the dream!

Rumo says that to dream of accidentally harming someone suggests that you have some pent up guilt or anxiety. Riding on a bike while doing so shows that you are working to achieve balance in your life. You’re anxious about how your actions and decisions will affect those around you. Rumo suggests that you fix yourself a big bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and drop it on the floor. Lapping cereal and milk off of tile or hardwood is a great way of gaining new perspective on a situation.